Where Is That Moment?

Now I know that doubling the dosage of Xanax is a crazy and idiotic thing to do. But at the time, it was genius.


Soon, I got that calm feeling back. Like a tree in the breeze, I was mellow yet happy. Not having sex with Jerry didn’t bother me anymore. I didn’t need him. I had my meds.


Yet, I was so caught up in my happy space, that I didn’t realize doubling the dosage would mean I would run out of pills sooner. And I was fresh out of refills. I knew the doctor wasn’t going to prescribe anymore, so I had to think of something else.


Even though I was completely healed, Jerry had gotten used to the idea of only him working, so he forbade me. My only escape was weekly shopping, which I appreciated.


Every time I went shopping, I would see this same kid on the corner. He always had his hands in his pockets and would scan the area.


The week I ran out of Xanax, I went shopping and there he was. I watched him from my car as he nodded at, several different people.


I can’t say I knew exactly what a drug dealer looked like, but if I had to guess, I’d say it was him. He couldn’t have been no older than 18.

But I didn’t care about any of that. At that moment, the only thing running through my mind was “I wonder if he sells Xanax”.


I watched him for almost a half an hour when a young woman approached him. They smiled at each other and hugged. They spoke indistinctly for a while, the kid’s hands still in his pockets. After the conversation ended, the kid removed his hands and gave the girl a handshake. Was that it!? Was that just a drug deal? He scanned and nodded at the girl before she departed.


I finally built up enough courage. I got out of the car and approached him. He saw me coming from a mile away. “Can I help I you, lady?” He was frowning at me. I felt so idiotic, just standing there, not knowing what to say. I’m pretty sure I said “Ummm” three thousand times, and whatever came in between, was enough to do business. In the end, I bought 15 Xanax pills for $30.


I had to admit, that was a reasonable price. Immediately, I popped one, as I hadn’t taken my usual morning dose. Immediately the stress and worry melted away.


I walked lightly into the store and began my shopping. I moved incredibly slow, I know, but I didn’t care. I was happy again.


By the time I got back to the car, even though I was still high, my mind was beginning to sober up. What was I doing? Here I was buying illegal drugs off of a kid that should have been in school. Had it really come to this? Was I really this desperate?


All this time, I hadn’t noticed it, but it became oh so clear at that moment. I was addicted to Xanax, and I didn’t even know it.